The remains of the day

The remains of Monday, to be more precise.

So, there I was - sitting in my hotel room, gnawing my lower lip and turning the Vicodin bottle upside down over and over again. The always satisfying click of the pills did not reach my ears and I gazed into space.
I felt like grasping at nothing, my world seemed to crumble into pieces.

Could that be true?
Was it a strange nightmare?
Did I read what I read?

The thoughts were racing and everytime I tried to figure out what could have happened I felt like beating my head against a stone wall.
It had been perfect.
Life had been wonderful and at long last I had been really, truly happy.
Why the heck couldn't that last?
Was he a notorious cheater?
Did he betray me?
If not in deeds at least in words?
Did his love for me just vanish?
What had I done or not done to cause this?

That conversation came to my mind again and I hit my forehead with my fist and squeezed my eyes shut.
No, no, no, noooooo I thought.
It was like sitting on a merry-go-round, just that you don't move but watch the world circling around you. I dryswallowed my far-too-manyeth Vicodin and tried to form coherent thoughts.
That feeling was horrible. Lost. Cold inside. Distraught. Heavy-hearted. Desolate. Lonely.

Sitting here was of no use. I had already tried to find some sleep - completely in vain of course. Popping one pill after the other did not help either and I was far from being comfortably numb. My arms felt like floating and my head was light, that was it.
Maybe some fresh air would help me to settle my thoughts and find out what to do next.

I slipped into my jacket, grabbed iPod and key and limped out of the room. The music I listened to was Schindler's List, not really helpful but mirroring my mood.
My steps led me to the campus where black and empty windows stared at me like hollow ghostly eyes and the wind rustled in the trees. I kicked some stones out of my way and looked up into the sky. Lifting up my arms I cried a voiceless Why? to the stars without even feeling the slightest bit pathetic. The moon stared back at me, a thin crescent waiting to grow to full moon in some days. My vision blurred a bit and became clear again. That was when I confessed to myself that I was high.
I walked on, listened to the music and the beat of my own heart, took deep breaths of the night air and closed my eyes in the desperate attempt to collect my thoughts.
All in vain.
Jim was everything I could think of and when I listened to Stolen memories I could not bear the music any longer, switched off the iPod and let the earphones dangle from my leather jacket.

I wondered if that was how all his wives felt when they found out he betrayed them. Clenching my fist I felt another feeling rise.
Anger.
Who did he think I was?
Another Susan?
Another Bonnie?
Another Julie?
His loving but oh so blind little wife???
No way!
He would not get away with that. I would not just close my eyes, come back to him and pretend that nothing ever happened.
"Oh no, Dr. Wilson, you won't emerge unscathed!", I thought and gnashed my teeth.
I could not stand the thought of being kissed by lips that kissed someone else a few hours ago. Touched by hands that touched someone else a few hours ago. Listening to words whispered into my ear he sighed to someone else a few hours ago.
Who knew it was just a conversation?
Maybe the conversation was just part of something else.
"I really thought you'd love me till the end of time", I whispered to myself and kicked a wall.
"OUCH, fuck!", I immediately exclaimed 'cause I hurt my foot really bad - kicked too hard, I suppose. So some owls, moths and bats could see me limping on both sides now making my way across the campus.

Deep in thoughts I came to a decision. I would leave him.
This would kill me, I would slowly die inside and become an even bigger pain in the ass than I already was - for sure. But I did not want to play the dumb husband who closes his eyes in front of being betrayed pretending life was fine. I was not a victim. I would walk out of this proud keeping my head held high.
Nodding slowly to convince myself that this decision was the right one I walked on.
But how could you live without him? Now that you know how life with him can be? Now that you know how being loved by him turns every grey shadow into sparkling sunlight?
I shook my head in order to dissipate these thoughts.
Let's face it, Greg. You love him way too much. You cannot live without him, the nagging little voice in my head told me.
"If I try I can", I gnarled to myself grinding my teeth.
Taking another deep breath I started to slowly hobble along the campus again.

When I reached the Fountain of Freedom I saw a lonely figure sitting and brooding there. This man looked more than familiar and I stopped breathing for a while. "Jim?", I finally whispered.
My heart made a jump and every part of me wanted to rush into his arms, but I held myself back.
The man stumbled to his feed and whispered back to me. "Greg?"
I stepped back but he approached me and just stopped a few steps away from me.
"Hi", he said in a broken voice and looked at me unsure and questioning.
"Hi", I managed to reply and thumped my cane to the ground.
“Where have you been?", Jim asked. "I called nearly every hotel in town and I was worried like hell!”
Oh, he was worried!
“Worried? Huh?”, I answered quite coldly and raised an eyebrow.
Jim swallowed and continued in a lower voice. “Greg … I … GOD! I mean I know that you got that email … but …”
The anger was rising in me again. “BUT? Is there a but?! I don’t think you should dare continuing!", I barked and turned away.

Jim tried to hold me back and grabbed my arm. I felt his grip, swung around and the next thing I noticed was my fist on his chin with a satisfying thud. Jim stumbled backwards and found himself sitting on the ground.
I regretted my rash action the very moment I saw him licking the blood from his bruised lips but my anger and hurt were stronger.
"I am NOT Susan, Bonnie or Julie! You think you can go scot-free? You thought wrong! I will not allow you cheating on me. Do you get that NOW?”, I barked and glared at him.
He looked stunned and just stared at me for a few seconds, then shook his head.
"Gregory....", he began.
"I don’t want to hear any lame excuses now!”,I snapped and turned around again.
“You will not leave me like that”, Jim yelled and got to his feet.
I turned my head and asked him cold and silently “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just do that?”
Jim sighed deeply and combed his fingers through his hair.
"Because you are all that I have!”
Those word touched me deep down inside and I slowly turned around.
I nailed him to the spot here he stood with my eyes.
"Repeat that!", I said and kept his glance.
“You are all that I have, Gregory!” he said … paused and continued, “See, I did not betray you and this is just the truth. Look me in the eyes and try to see the truth in there. You know me by heart! You would just see if I would lie to you!”

I turned around completely and approached him.
"Go ahead! And be sure, I'll see if you lie!", I said and looked straight into his eyes.
James nodded and glanced back at me.
"It might sound a bit weird, but my computer account was broken into and some hacker just misused all the information on it, including my messenger and my e-mail accounts."
I snorted and furrowed my brow, but James hurried to continue before I was able to interrupt him.
"When that computer guy told me that this faked conversation was sent to you ... I raced home as fast as I could, but you were already gone", he then finished his report.
I sighed and looked at him. "For sure I was gone, I just packed a few things, took my bike and got me a hotel room."
James swallowed and seemed to take my arm but hesitated. "Will...will you come home again?", he then asked.
Could I believe him? I had watched him carefully and could not detect any sign of a lie in his eyes.
"Jim...I...", I began but was interrupted.
"You still don't believe me, right?", he whispered and sunk down to the stairs again.
He stared at the pavement and did not seem to notice that I approached him.
I slightly touched his shoulder with my fingertips.
He looked up and after a while of just exchanging glances I murmured "Stand up..."
Jim arose and looked very lost and unsure.
I could not help but smile at him - I do love him so much.
"I believe you, Jim", I sighed and caressed his cheek. "I should have asked you immediately, but I was so hurt and ..."

Again he interrupted me - this time with a soft and tender kiss.
We clung to each other, deepened the kiss and both were breathing heavily after a short while. I was longing for him with every fibre of my body, all my heart and soul. Jim's hands wandered over my body and left traces of liquid fire everywhere they touched me.
"Hotel is close...", I managed to moan inbetween kisses and slipped my hand into Jim's pants without thinking. His loud moan was reply enough, but he panted a hoarse "Let's go then" nevertheless.

We made our way to the hotel as quickly as possible and I locked the door of my room behind us. A silent clonk made me look at the floor where a small whisky bottle was rolling to and fro. It obviously fell out of his jacket when he placed it on the chair.
I already wondered if you took a bath in some malt barrel. How much glasses did you have?" I asked him and looked at him questioningly.
"Enough!", Jim replied with a wink.
"I see that in your eyes. Heck, man you are drunk!"
"Tipsy!" he replied and slowly unbuttoned his shirt.
I felt my stomach twitch and approached him.
"Your pupils are dilated as well, Greg ..." Jim said when I came closer to brush the shirt over his shoulders.
"No wonder" I murmured into his ear while kissing along his neck.
"How much?" he moaned when I unbuckled his belt and got rid of his trousers."Too much for your taste ...", I answered and began to lightly touch his back. Then I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back.
"But not enough to be unable to do what I will do now", I moaned then and delved my teeth into his neck.

We sank to the bed with a moan and soon were undressed without even really noticing it. Entangled in each other we kissed as if we could never kiss again and touched feverishly. Panting, moaning, rustling sheets, skin on skin and kisses were the only sounds that could be heard for the next hours - apart from the things we whispered to each other.

Time flies sometimes and it was in the early morning hours when I lazily stretched and turned on my belly looking into Jim's eyes.
I smiled at him and tenderly caressed his chest. "So ... I am all that you have?"
"Mhmmmmm", Jim replied and kept my glance.
"You are all that I have ... and all that I want!", he then said clearly.
I felt my heart slopping over with joy and love and felt a broad smile lighting up my face.
I bent over him, softly pushed him into the linen and whispered "And you are all that I want now" into his ear before I started to kiss him anew.