Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What on earth happened?

Mood: miserable
Weather: fog and drizzle, 47°F
Drinking: my first coffee today
Eating: nothing
Listening to: the rain on my window pane

It's 10 am and I'm already for two hours at PPTH.
Foreman has percolated coffee and I'm sitting at my desk trying to concentrate on the file I got this morning. I'm sure this guy has colorectal cancer...Maybe I can consult Jim later that day.

I'm still not sure what actually happened yesterday. The evening began perfectly normal.
We went home, made ourselves comfortable and I was rummaging for coffee. Our stock was running out and so I took my coat and went to the small shop down the road.
Well, I met Susan there but we merely had a conversation and it didn't affect James.
I came back with 4 packages of coffee and James started to percolate some.
Well, I decided to put on my jammies, James did the same and we curled up on the sofa with chocolate, crisps and coffee.

Perfectly normal and it looked set to become a very cosy evening.
I wrapped in the blanket and leaned back snuggling my head into Jim's lap. He just sighed and tried to reach for the crisps, so I took the bowl and balanced it on my belly. James took a handful and when he crunched some crumbs fell into my eyes. I blinked, grinned and complained about that.
I not really complained, I just grinned about it but he stood up and sat down in the armchair. As I gathered some crumbs from the floor he muttered something about that he just cleaned up everything and sounded a bit pissy. I told him I didn't ask him to clean up and just got "You never ask!" shot in my face. I winced but then thought he still was in a bad mood because of Chase and my silly behaviour yesterday, sighed and curled up again.
"Won't you come back to me again?", I asked half an hour later and broke the silence. James shook his head. "Nope, you'll only get crumbs in your eyes." I stared at him with surely big and round eyes but he just fixed his eyes at the TV screen.
"What's wrong with you?", I asked but got no answer. I was concerned and tried to read his expression, but he revealed nothing.
So I wrapped myself closer into the blanket and suckled on a piece of chocolate with milkcreme, trying to find out what I might have done wrong.
Another half an hour later this became unbearable for me and I sat up.
"James, what's eating you? I can't remember I did anything wrong and this makes me feel..."
"Ah, it's always your feelings, huh? What about mine? Do you ever care about them?!" he interrupted me.
"But...", I began slightly flabbergasted, "...I asked you! Several times! Most of the time I can see what's going on with you but not today. So I asked."
He glared at me and I was taken aback.
" it's Greg again who's to blame for everything that's wrong in the world...", I thought.
"And now don't look at me as if I'd blame you for something!", Jim snapped and stood up. I gasped.
"Hun, I...", I started but he went out to the balcony and closed the door.

I gazed a few seconds perplexedly at the door, then laid back and stared at the ceiling. What had I done? I couldn't remember anything that might have offended or hurt him. I'd never do anything that could hurt him.
After a while I slipped into my shoes and approached the balcony door. I was almost sure he smoked out there. I hate it.
I really hate it. It's suicide in installments and I don't want him to harm himself. I smelled the smoke and just asked "You know why they're called cancer sticks?"
"I'm not smoking", I heard him gnarl and hesitated for a while.
Then I knocked at the balcony door but he didn't react. He obviously didn't want me to join him there so I went back to the sofa and curled up again.
I thought and thought and thought, but still had no clue.

"Please, hun, tell me what I've done...Or tell me what happened...I have not the slightest clue."
Jim remained silent.
Three-quarters of an hour later I couldn't stand this any longer and stood up again. I saw Jim sitting on the balustrade - smoking. Hesitantly I knocked again but he just looked the other way.
I really became desperate and knocked again. No reaction.

So I curled up on the sofa again and broodingly fell asleep after all.

This morning I awoke shivering. It took a while until it came to my mind I was still on the sofa. The blanket lay on the floor and everything was dark.
I got up and rubbed my eyes. It was half past seven.
"Huuuun?", I called.
No answer.
I got up and looked into the bedroom. No James here and the bed was already made.
He wasn't in the bathroom, he was nowhere. He was already gone.
I shook my head to get it clear. If it was an emergency he would have left a note. And he wouldn't leave me on the sofa when he went to bed - normally.
I showered, brushed my teeth, dressed and was still thinking about what I did to upset him so much.
In the kitchen I shook the thermos flask - empty. I wasn't in the mood for having a coffee all alone at home, so I grabbed my bag, stepped outside and as it was raining I decided to take my car, not the bike.


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