Difficult evening

Mood: strained
Weather: cloudy and rather cold
Drinking: coffee

I secured us several nice things at the mall, bought another bottle of Single Malt and went home then. I was longing to be with James and wanted to take care of him. It was awful to know he's not well and has to cope with that horrible evening all alone at home. (And I'm still pissed, Cuddy!)

When I entered the appartment, Jim was slightly drunk, pissed that I was late and not feeling very well. Of course not! How can you feel good after such things? I know perfectly well how it is.
"I'm so sorry, dear, Cuddy forced me into clinic", I began.
"It's always the others!", he just snapped and crossed his arms sitting on the sofa.
I took a deep breath and told myself it's just normal that he was upset. He was right, I should have yelled my reasons to stay at home after her instead of accepting my fate and doing clinic duty.

I put the shopping on the kitchen unit and bent over Jim hugging him from behind. "Are you hungry?", I asked him and kissed his cheek.
He just shook his head and escaped my arms. "No, I don't want anything."
I sighed. "You have to eat something...obviously you had a bit too much malt..."
"Yes! And guess why?!"
I prefered not to answer - it was a rhetorical question anyway - and prepared a meal.

"Here hun, please eat something", I begged him and handed him the plate. He pecked at his food but at least he ate a little. I just stayed at his side and tried to talk with him a few times, but it was obvious he didn't want to. He had no intention to talk about what happened to him and when I asked him how he felt he just barked "What do you think how I feel?!"
So I decided to hold my tongue and just be there if he needed anything.
After a while he leaned to my shoulder and I put my arm around him. He bore that approximately three minutes and disavowed again.
I'm really concerned about him and he always wants to cope with things all alone. I tried a few times to talk to him again but he just shook his head or snapped biting remarks.

Three hours later I attempted to hug him once again and he just pushed me away, arose and went to the bedroom locking the door.
I surely looked blank and after some minutes knocked. He grunted something like "Go away" and I thought about what to do now. If this was a normal discussion I would have forced the door open.
But as he was deeply hurt and some bastard wanted to force him to horrible things it wasn't wise to pester him.
I sighed. "Okay, hun...if you need anything, I'm in the living-room."

And this was where I spent the night. My knocking was answered by another "Go away" and I slept in boxers and t-shirt on the sofa. My back hurts, my leg hurts, my neck hurts and I'm totally concerned about James. Best I'd stay at home, but I can't. It's awful - I just don't know what to do and he still doesn't want to see me.