Hell could be a nicer place

Mood: shitty, distressed and clueless
Weather: rain
Drinking: yet another coffee
Eating: nothing
Listening to: still the rain on my window pane

Hell could be a nicer place than PPTH today.
Well, it's only hell for me, I suppose.

I feel hollow, look blank and I'm yearning for James.
Half an hour ago I stood on the balcony and tried to have a glimpse into his office.
"Huuuuun?", I called but just saw his door close. He or whoever it was went out to the hallway.

I tried several times to reach him this morning and what hurt most was that he finally lets his phone reject my number.
Everytime I tried to see him at his office he wasn't there and I'm really going mad by now.
Foreman was here a few minutes ago and asked me why I looked so shitty.
I told him about yesterday evening and he watched me thoughtfully for a while.
"But there must be something you've done. Otherwise he wouldn't act this way."
I shrugged and fought down a sob. God, I hated me for this weakness.
"I really can't remember anything. I didn't leave anything out, so what do you think?"
Foreman giggled. "I think it's obvious it's Dr. Wilson who wears the breeches in your relationship...God, I never imagined he'd play that tough."
"Great!", I mumbled. "Thanks for your support!"
Foreman patted my shoulder. "Just try to reach or see him again and again."

I nodded and turned to the file again. I just had to distract me. I was longing for James. I missed him so much. And I was scared to death he'd be tired of me.
All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms, kiss him, feel him. When I closed my eyes and imagined hard enough, I could almost feel his cheek close to mine.
It was harder than detox.
I haunted the hallways and peeped into every single room he could be in. No James.
When I met Cuddy she told me he was doing his clinic hours and asked me "Everything okay?"
I just grunted something inapprehensible and went to the bakery on the other side of the road. There I bought a croissant and at Starbucks I got him a Caramel Macchiato.
I hurried back and put it on his desk, accompanied by a note. ♥ Good morning, hun.♥ I miss you. Please talk to me. Greg xxx
Afterwards I went back to my office and waited, perking up my ears with the hope I could hear him coming back.
When I thought I heard his door I hopped out of my seat and almost ran into his office.
Bootless.
He wasn't there anymore. Coffee and croissant still were on the table and I collapsed back upon myself.

It was unbearable. Every inch of me yearned for him and it felt as if my heart was torn apart.
When I left his office I met Dr. Danby.
"Good morning, Dr. House!", he greeted me.
"Morning", I mumbled.
"You look ill....is everything okay with you?"
"Mhmmm... You know where Dr. Wilson is?"
Danby nodded. "He's at university, there's a lecture. He'll be back for lunch I think."
I sighed. "For lunch, okay...maybe I'll be able to talk to him then."
"Um...he already announced a meeting for lunch...If it's not put off."
I stared at him. "Did he?"
"Yes. Do you need a consultation?"
With a sigh I nodded. "Maybe. I have a new patient and I'm almost sure he has colorectal cancer..."
"Fine, I'll be with you in five minutes!"
I nodded and went back into my office.

I dropped into my leatherchair and buried my face in my hands. What on earth had I done? Why was he avoiding me? It was quite obvious he didn't want to talk to me. He didn't even want to see me.
Five minutes later Danby knocked at my door.
"Come in", I said and tried to keep a stiff upper lip.
He entered with two big mugs of coffee and sat down on the sofa. I joined him with the file.
"Here he is...bloody stools, rectal bleeding, stools with mucus, unexplained weight loss. Asthenia,anemia with symptoms such as dizziness, malaise and palpitations..."
He nodded and looked through the file. "Really sounds like colorectal cancer..."
"Cameron already did a complete blood picture...this confirmed the low hemoglobin level. Chase did the DRE...", I giggled, "...but didn't find any abnormal areas. So I'd say it's DCBE now."
Danby nodded. "This and a PET...I'll do that right away."
I nodded, sipped at my coffee and rubbed my forehead.
"You don't look well...", Danby began.
I shortly buried my face in my hands. "I'm fine..."
"Sure you are." He pointed at my ring. "Some domestic quarrel?"
I sighed and looked out of the window. "Seems so...but I don't know why..."
"Does your wife work here, too?", he asked. "Maybe you should try to see her..."
I laughed haplessly. "It is no wife...it's a husband...And yes, he works here. It's Dr. Wilson."
"Oh", he just said. "I didn't know that. Do you know each other for long now?"
I nodded. "10 years, 2 months, 6 days and...", I looked at my watch, "...16 hours."
"16 hours....erm...okay...you know each other quite well then."
I shrugged. "But I don't have a clue what's going on..."
"And I see you feel really shitty...Well, Dr. Wilson seemed a bit odd today, too...Maybe you'll be able to talk to him when he comes back."
"I hope so", I said and suddenly my walls crumbled and I started to sob my soul out.
Poor Danby.
He patted my back and I excused. "God...this is embarassing...I'm sorry...."
"Just plain", he said and handed me another coffee.